Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes’ Category
First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body”. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The компютри втора употреба second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
Steve works hard tiling and spends two nights each week playing Pool and plays golf every Saturday. Linda thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
‘Hey, Steve! How are you doing?’
Linda is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. ‘Oh no,´says Steve. ‘He’s in my Pool team.’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Steve if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. Linda is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’ ‘Oh’ said Steve, ‘now I recognize her; she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of
the 1st nine holes, darling.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Steve, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Stevie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Linda, now furious, grabs her bag and storms out of the club. Steve follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Steve tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but Linda is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, ‘Bloody hell Steve, you´ve picked up a real bitch this time.’
The funeral for Steve is on Friday.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
I love this part….
“Only when he’s been drinking.”
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith….He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
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An elderly woman walks into a Baskin Robbins where she see’s a nice young man waiting behind the counter to serve her.
The server behind the counter greets her with, ‘Welcome to Baskin Robbins, home of the 31 flavors. Today though we only have Strawberry, Chocolate and 28 flavors. Unfortunately we are out of Vanilla today, what would you like?’
‘Well sir, I will have a pint of Vanilla’
‘I’m sorry mame, but we are all out of Vanilla. But we have Strawberry, Chocolate and 28 other flavors. Which would you like?’
‘Well sir, in that case I will have a quart of Vanilla ice cream, please.’
At this point the clerk behind the counter becomes frustrated. ‘Mame, do me a favor, could you spell the straw in Strawberry?’
‘S-t-r-a-w’
‘Ok, and could you spell the choc in Chocolate?’
‘C-h-o-c’
‘Ok, and could you spell the fuck in Vanilla?’
‘SIR! There’s no fuck-n-Vanilla!’
‘That’s what I have been trying to tell you for 10 minutes!’
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
‘New house, new madam.’
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
‘New house, new madam, new girls.’
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith,
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
‘Hi, Keith!’
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
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New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
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New Rule:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.. What did you expect it to contain..Lobster?
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New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’
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New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
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New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.
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New Rule:
There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
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New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
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New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet, ‘ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.
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New Rule:
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
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New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
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New Rule:
Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’ s one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What’s next, competitive farting?
Oh wait, they’re already doing that.
It’s called ‘The Howard Stern Show.’
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New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’
‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
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New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first ‘truth’, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you’re an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don’t care if you lick windows, take the special bus, or occasionally pee on yourself…
You hang in there sunshine, you’re friggin’ special
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart and was standing in line waiting to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was ‘duh’, but decided to go with it…
So, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again. I said I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time I tried it, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before awakening in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it worked was you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hunger and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story and hanging on my every word.
Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, it didn’t poison me but that I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and was hit by a car.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart asked me not to shop there anymore
A fellow makes a remark to another gentlemen…I don’t mean to be rude but you have the smallest head that I ever seen. The guy says that it’s ok, it all came about from being stranded on a desert island. A mermaid appeared and offered me three wishes. First I asked to be able to get off of the island. Done. Then I asked to have all the money that I could ever possibly need for the rest of my life. Done. Can I have sex with you for my 3rd wish? Well…mermaids don’t have sex. How a bout a little head? Done.