Archive for November, 2007
New Office Policy
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules: I’ll be home when I want, if I want and
at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?”
His new bride says, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night
whether you’re here or not.”
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ”
Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, You’re no good in bed either!”
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
She says, “Getting a second opinion!”
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”